Manchester my new home?

Sorry I haven't been posting anything, I left my laptop behind as I went over to visit my family in London. Reunited with my laptop once more lol. Finally caught up with the shows I follow such as supernatural, arrow NCIS etc hehe. Been an interesting past few weeks, from heading back over to Manchester when not feeling so good to trying to get some rest then going into a full on flare just befor heading to London then enjoying the toilet over there.

When I last posted I was struggling with my depression. My friends over in Manchester suggested I come back have me some fun clear my head. I was reluctant, I was starting to feel the effects of travelling to another location every week. Being constantly on the move is quite exhausting for a normal person in perfect health, and here I am with IBD being a stubborn bastard after travelling nearly 7000km still running about non stop. I was hurting and feeling it and wanted to stay still and laid low in Wiltshire. Failing body and literally nearly out of funds I decided to head back to Manchester and accepted my friends offer to look after me when I got to Manchester. It was not something I'm used to accepting,other persons helping me out besides my family; and even them I turn down. If I cannot look after myself I won't let anyone else do so else I feel like a burden. A man should be able to look after himself and those he cares about right? However he also needs to accept assistance when he can't and learn how to simply say thank you to the kindness of others. Doesn't make you any less a man to accept help when you are stuck, it sounds simple but I found it rather difficult and had to swallow my pride and accept it. I managed to get through the weekend with my fellow smelly bums, started cramping up at 2 am and had to call it a night. Should have been in bed long befor that getting the rest I needed, but  didn't come all this way just to keep staying confined to four walls. I needed to get out there and get a breath of fresh air, not let this disease dictate what I do. I still ended up going to bed cramping up really badly and had my first accident trying to find my room. At 3am here I am in a disability toilet hand washing my undies like a boss lol. Had my first train poo on the mov...sorry Virgin but you guys need somebetter toilet paper. Not sure what you call those thingies you guys got but i had to layer up alot to avoid it going through to my hand grrr.

Moving forward to London, I arrived in a bit of discomfort, ok fine a lot of discomfort. I went to visit a friend I have never met befor but he has ulcerative colitis so it doesn't matter his family. From his place I went to visit some London bellies while flaring, it was supposed to be the London meet but had to call it quits after an hour and had to return to my friends house where I could curl up in pain and poop and vomit in peace. It's weird being in some one elses house where they understand exactly what it is you are going through as they go through it them self. I stayed at his place and recovered, tried my best to keep my sobs quiet as i bit into the sheets to avoid crying out loudly from the pain. I hadn't felt it that bad in a while. Yet I didn't try to hide the fact that I couldn't stand up or seat upright due to the excruciating pain that I was in, I was simply hunched over all the time grasping my gut. They understood that I wasn't feeling well and let me deal with it in my own way while I tried to suck it up and be brave. I also learned that midol actually gives me some relief lol. Maybe its because I was wearing my IBD Superhero T-shirt I felt extra brave, or because I wanted to give my friend hope so that he knows its ok to give into the pain from time to time but still go about our lives as difficult as that may be. It was fun sharing our stories and the embarassing moments we each have had with accidents and pulling over at odd places to duck behind bushes. So much in common from symptoms to experiences, it's like we are all connected for we all go through the same shitty stuff. When I felt like I could risk the underground I left his place a few days later and went back over to my family where I simply remained on the toilet.To weak to leave the toilet so I started taking naps while on the toilet. Why leave I'm only going to be back in 5 mins anyways, whether its to have a dump, or throw up, or my favorite throwing up while taking a shit, I'm just that committed I gotta have it both ways simultaneously.

I left my family for last to visit my family for last as I knew they just would get to me and boy did they. When I was at a friends house I stank it up really bad and no air freshner I appologized for stinking up his place, and this guy doesn't have IBD so I felt awful thinking his wife will want me banned, but instead he tells me poo supposed to stink, if it didn't he would be concerned! That's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me! Yes yes that's weird but to me that means a lot! I have no such luck with this side of my family however as I get told stop stinking up the house. Why am I still sick, got shit for staying in bed all day long being called lazy. To add icing on the cake, being yelled at for not wanting to go about visiting all the family when I have been going across the UK meeting strangers and I don't want to see my own family. Maybe if I took better care of myself I wouldn't still be sick,I should go to the gym and eat healthy. After so many years why am I still sick. 

That's some of the crap I had to put up with. It's like I'm back home and have to deal with stupid everywhere I go...oh wait I'm going back home next week. Fuck!!! Have to go through this regularly. Back to my shell I go. Anywhooz I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Having to deal with a chronic illness is hard enough as it is, dealing with stupidity from persons you expect to know better is just going over the edge. Oh well. I've lost count of the toilets I've been to, haven't sat down and counted the selfies as I still have been doing so as I've kept doing so lol. Just need to recover let my body get its strength back

Dealing With Depression

One of the major things that I have been silently suffering with for years and to afraid to reach out and speak to anyone about, but so many of us with IBD go through it. Depression isn't about simply feeling sad or being this miserable person that nobody wants to hang around. Most of my friends laugh at me when I tell them that I suffer with depression. They think I'm simply being silly and ask how can I be depressed I'm one of the most bubbly and lively persons that they know always finding the brighter side of things. They fail to realise that the only reason that I am this bubbly goofy idiot who is always so radiant is because I am to familiar with the darkness. I don't like talking about it because I simply have yet to know exactly what battles that I am struggling fighting a battle that I don't even understand. I recently read an article from thought catalogue which brought tears to my eyes about depression as it echoed my own struggles. It said that
 "Depression is doing everything you can to hide it. Because there’s nothing glorified about it. There’s nothing beautiful about a bad night as you fall you your knees, in a silent scream, that no one hears because you’re alone and you need to be until you get through it."
This shook me up a bit as I found myself crying for no reason not knowing what was wrong. I got off social media for a bit to get some me time to try to figure out what's going on and get my bearings together. It strikes at the oddest of times. I should be the happiest person travelling all across the UK meeting others with IBD and just having a blast, yet it's when it strikes the hardest and I get knocked down and don't know how to get back up. A friend offered me some advise which did the trick. She said just remember there's someone else out there much worse off than you are. I thought about the others who are way worse off than I am and that snapped me out temporarily and got me back up, but it was a short lived victory. While going to grab something in the store i kept having to pull my pants up while wearing a belt. That's when i realised that I've actually lost weight. Looked in the mirror and saw my ribs staring back like they were just waiting to go on the grill. I tried to remember what had I eaten for lunch and relaised i hadn't been eating, I'd just nibble on the food and not actually eat anything. Went for a jog fought against the aching pain in my knees but exercise always does the trick. Decided to reach out for a change and stop bottling it up,after all I am no longer alone in my struggle. Felt great receiving the warm love and encouragement from my fellow smelly bums and got me back up to my old self. Nothing some good old fashion shinanigans won't sort. My appetite is back, I ate an entire chicken! 

 There are many others out there going through depression and not related to IBD but just every day struggles. This brings me back to something I try to practice, be kind to everyone for you simply never know what they are struggling with, whose on their last straw and just about to tie a knot round their neck and call it quits. Quit throwing harmful words about to each for you just never know what pain and suffering they are hiding behind that beautiful smile of theirs. 

That being said I'm on toilet number 15 and only been on UK for nearly a month. I'm definitely doing well hehe.

Someone asked me the other day why on earth am I spending so much money to come over here and travelling all over, It's hard to explain, I couldn't give an answer at the time. How do i explain the connection that I feel with fellow IBD sufferers. They're the only ones who knows exactly what I go through and can relate to them in ways I simply cannot to anyone else. Its worth running my account into overdraft as I will not get this opportunity of a lifetime to meet and impact positively the lives of so many people. If I were to drop dead tomorrow I'd be glad to know that I have positively impacted a few persons lives and that is one of the greatest feeling there is; to put a smile on someone elses face and up lift their spirit whether its with laughter or just gracing them with your presence.

It's simply a priceless experience meeting people of all walks of life and connecting with complete strangers. I'd say try it but there are a lot of psychos out there haha 

IBD Irish tour

Been a while I haven't updated the blog, I've been trying to get some rest as the travelling actually picked up a notch. From meeting up with fellow crohnies right near my bass camp in Salisbury going out on a quiet night out ending up getting back dead drunk; to heading down to a tiny town called Yeovil to meet half way with a fellow belly. That was fun, we were messing about on the train and missed our stop...several stops later we realised we were in the town of Axminster and had to double back. All fun and games until you miss your stop then you just have more fun. Met up at last with one of the guys i'd been speaking to online for a while, really great guy, tried some British cuisine had some faggots (Brits and their weird names)

From missing my train to hopping on a flight over to Ireland, man I think Ireland is definitely colder than England but my its a lovely place. There's a close knit IBD family over here that are off the groups I am part of but I connected with one of them before coming over here and she rallied the troops and we met up and had a blast! The Irish are so warm and friendly they remind of being back at home. I felt left out to be the only one still with a colon as they all had theirs removed. The Irish know how to party and Belfast was just amazing, can't wait to do some site seeing as I was buzzing from the time I touched down to meet up with them as I have been looking forward to Ireland for a while! (thinking of moving to Belfast once I adjust to the cold hehe) So glad that I met up with her though, really amazing person. Warm and genuine person and she keeps in touch with the bellies over here which is really amazing as this is what I am trying to accomplish. To have a personal connection with other bellies and build those bonds to support each other through it all and know you can pick up your phone and call someone if you are going through a rough time and have someone that you can relate to. Would be amazing if all the other places could build such a personal connection, which is starting to happen right now so nobody feels that they are alone and can have a listening ear to turn to be it for advice, comfort or just someone to vent out to. Looking forward to heading down to meet other bellies towards the south of Ireland. Dublin is in my sites but I've gone over with my travelling as I have gone over my budget with all those hotels, trains and flights. Time to phone home see if I can get an allowance to go to the remaining meets. 

Still counting down my toilet trips I'm up to 11 now. The cold definitely has me going less. Seriously contemplating relocating here later on this year. Also need to get on some meds as I haven't been feeling well lately, mostly tired from all of my travelling and it's time to quit the alcohol now that I have finally met the Irish. Alcohol affects bellies differently. For me rum makes me bleed, Whiskey send me to the toilet after, beer makes me bloated, vodka is the only thing that goes with me and guiness which is great because I can get my iron intake from guiness lol. Just thought I thought I'd throw that in there in case anyone is reading this and was wondering if to drink or not to. Best not to but if you were wondering that's how my body reacts to these, keep in mind things affect each of us in a totally different way. What affects me good may have the completely opposite effect on someone else and vice versa.

 Saw an interesting sticker in the toilet over in Yeovil, I thought it was rather hilarious.
Still amazes me how people can be connected through this horrid disease. Leaves me in awe at the remarkable persons it has shaped us to be really which has made this trip for me such a blast and truly unique and amazing experiment.

The Journey Continues

Travelling across the UK has started taking its toll on me as was expected but by no means shall I let that fatigue stop me on my quest to meet my fellow bellies! After travelling 6752 km I refuse to let fatigue get in my way! If only I could tell fatigue to go away and let me do my thing lol. After 11.5 hours to get to Manchester and getting minimum sleep running about with my bellies all day and all night long over the weekend. Followed by heading to Salisbury then briefly London I could no longer fight it and while out exploring my fellow bellies lovely quiet town of Salisbury it hit me like a freight train! While having some sticky toffee pudding (delicious!!!) while seated there it hit me. Out of nowhere I felt so exhausted it took tremendous energy to simply be seated. I felt like I'd run 2 marathons back to back. Had to retreat to fight another day and go to his house as was closer and I pretty much dosed off after hitting the couch. If only sleeping for 4 hours on the couch would have been enough. Woke up more exhausted than when i first crashed. Followed by a lovely night of insomnia when I returned home. Fatigue is my worst nightmare. Being physically exhausted is bad enough but to also be mentally exhausted is just taking a joke to far. Waking up in the morning feeling like you haven't slept for weeks on end with no motivation to do absolutely nothing! To often I get told to just take a nap you will be fine, or you just need a good nights rest and you will be ok when you wake up. Two problems with that...I don't sleep at nights, you will find me roaming facebook or on youtube, secondly no amount of sleep will ever make you feel better when you are starring the monster called fatigue in the face. I may appear fun and bubbly on the outside, but there is a war going inside of me to simply get through the most basic of tasks versus staying in bed and doing nothing (though i tend to not stay still). Fatigue is a major problem faced by us in the IBD community and often overlooked as we're simply tired or to lazy. I once responded to someone who said I'm just plain old lazy by saying I'm to lazy at the moment to insult you (please don't go about insulting people) Oddly enough my way of combating my fatigue is with exercise or putting my music on and dancing on about the house as I try to get stuff done.

None the less I got on a train and headed to Birmingham to meet my bellies! It still amazes me as how complete strangers can have so much in common and can bond over what I once saw as the most cruel thing to have ever happened to me. My journey continues to Ireland next to meet my lost lost IBD family as I try to meet as many persons with IBD as possible and bring us closer via social media and build lifelong friendships and support from persons who understand the daily struggles we each face on a daily basis trying to go about our daily lives with IBD

Yes yes I'm still counting. I've been to nine toilets since landing in the UK. I definitely go much less in the cold versus back home in the heat. Oddly over here some people tend to go much more during the cold than in the heat. One day I even went only twice!!! You can imagine my cousins confusion as to why I was so excited and fussing I only went twice for the day once at 5 am them again at 10 pm (yes I did a victory dance)

IBD and Weight Gain

Having IBD we have quite a large assortment of medications to take, all of which have such lovely side effects (if only I could enjoy a side effect). They either cause the very problem we are trying to make go away for example taking immunosuppresant medication leaves you vulnerable to getting colds and other viral infections etc; or something to stop being nauseous and the side effects is nausea (eye roll). However one side effect I want to talk about seems harmless and might even appear as a benefit. That side effect is weight gain. Due to the constant trips to the toilet we tend to loose weight (I have a hard time gaining...still under weight *sniff sniff*) so it may seem gaining weight would be a great side effect right! No it isn't! Nobody wants to look like a swelled up balloon and this can have serious consequences in terms of affecting an individuals mental health. Already dealing with self esteem issues be it to being surrounded by idiots who constantly remind you how sick you look, or if you are just self conscious about your body image especially if you have surgical scars and haven't accepted your victory battle scars as I call them. You would think having a chronic illness which sends you to the toilet so often that loosing weight gained would be easy, but reality is its quite the opposite. Prednisone is famous for giving its users what has been coined moon face where our faces swell up nicely and quite round :( It's no fun trying to fit into that sexy dress you bought to go to that work function or party you have been looking forward to, then you can barely fit into it!

Society in my opinion is directly responsible for many of our insecurities by setting invisible guidelines as to what we are supposed to look,how our hair should be or what weight we should be at. This has annoyed the shit out of me (pun intended). I am 5ft 11.5 inches (damn it missed it by .5 grrr) and I currently weigh 146 pounds. Just a tad on the light side, but I wish I weighed at least 170 to have that Thor body and get the ladies (muhahaha). Only recently started accepting I am a slim built guy and having a chiseled body isn't what should be my most attractive but my personality and character, my values and what I stand for. I try to motivate my female friends who feel they are fat because society says that they are and I look at them thinking what on earth are you going on about,you look beautiful and they think I am just being polite. I don't buy into the women should look like a runway model, I actually like my women a little curvy (oops hope that wasn't tmi)

The joys of having an invisible illness is nobody sees the internal physical struggle as well as the emotional struggling that we deal with on a daily basis. Simple comments like you have gained weight might appear harmless, but to the person who has been desperately struggling to loose that weight they gained from steroids can be devastating to them. This reminds me of an incident which happened while we were out at the festival of the dead on Saturday. Seven of us with IBD attended and 2 of my lovely bellies fell ill. I went to ask for a sick bag for one of them and the paramedics assumed it was for my drunk friend and said they were all out, once I explained that she had IBD he immediately gave it to me and appologized explaining they were keeping them for genuine medical cases. Another belly wasn't so fortunate as her Crohn's kicked in towards the end and had her feeling sharp abdominal cramps and feeling nauseous so she sat down at the bottom of some stairs until it passed. A member of the security staff asked her in a rude manner to getup and go be sick outside, we explained to her she's not drunk but has Crohn's and that she just needed to let it do its thing and she will be fine. She later returned several minutes later using a condescending tone treating her like she was drunk. This just goes to show me how little understanding we as a society have or are either unaware of invisible diseases or have lost our empathy for our fellow human beings who are not well. Just because you can't see someones illness doesn't mean that they are not suffering tremendously; they simply have learned to adapt and carry on their daily lives because they simply have no other choice but to keep on going.

That being said, I am now up to 6 toilets since I've been in country hehe (I should have used this as a fund raisier for the amount of toilets I visit or something...just a thought)

IBD festival

So I've arrived in the UK day 4 in country and it has been an amazing past few days, and no its not been because I have been out partying and having a few cocktails; but because of the people I have met with IBD. Total strangers not knowing anything about the other yet knowing each other so intimately as we all suffer with the same shitty illness (pun intended). Not knowing anyone else with IBD has been hard suffering alone, but now that I have met others, it's hard to describe that sensation of mixed emotions of joy, pure excitement with a little bit of emotional break down as I've been alone through it all and now to finally meet persons who finally can relate and understand what I went and still am going through. Just typing it brings tears to my eyes quit literally (yes yes i'm a softy and I had to get away from my IBD friend so she couldn't see the tears run down my eyes)

Don't really know what to say. Its been a really amazing experience thus far and I'm really looking forward to meeting the others. Haven't been sharing much of our stories as planned more just been having fun glad to meet each other...our fellow siblings of this bloody disease that has plagued our lives. I've heard of blood bonds and friendships forged under fire at war, but never did I know there could be poop bonds lol. 

So far I have visited 3 toilets of Great Britain!!! Yes the cold actually makes me go less and when I am out I can control it and don't go at all except topee...the cold makes me pee a lot. But when I get home gosh i explode lmao. Bit of an achievement to have been all the places that I have in the past 3 days and only use 2 toilets. ones at Nandos the other at weatherspoons and obviously the one where i'm staying... That's a mighty fine accomplishment if you ask me really.

For some reason i can't upload the 3rd toilet lol, will simply add to next post

Off to meet fellow smellybums!

Been a rough past few days about someone who has always been there for me from the start of my IBD battle and it really rocked me to the core. Happily she is doing a bit better and things are looking positive so now I can be overly joyed about my trip in the next few hours to meet persons with IBD in the UK!
Spending my last hours here at the beach and enjoying the warmth as I am leaving the heat for the cold. Interestingly the weather affects us all differently, most people I have spoken to have flares in the winter and feel fine in the summer. While others like me flare in the heat but are fine in the winter so I'm looking forward to those cramp free moments.

That being said, one of my main concerns for this 11 hour 5 minute trip is not making it in time to the bathroom. We all have had the luxury of soiling our undies in public, whether its because we are stuck in traffic and can't get to a toilet in time or the urgency is so severe you are only a few paces from the toilet that you simply couldn't make in time. Instant depression sinks in for me every time that I don't make it to the toilet. I hit rock bottom emotionally as there is no worse feeling for me, the shame, embarassment and internal anguish is horrifying. The limited amount of toilets on the plane vs the amount of people who are on the flight and the line can make a massive difference. I once had to be pacing the aisle and have the flight attendant offer me a cup and said to me "don't be shy i won't pry" I smiled and said i'm sorry but and held up two fingers and she said you will need a bigger cup and chuckled. (lovely conversations I have with strangers yeah). I'm also terrified of having someone come in soon after I leave as its a confined space and lets face it, no matter how much air freshner or cologne you spray, you can't shake that guilty feeling u left a stinker in the crapper unless if its someone who has been annoying you then yes by all means come in quickly!

Always being prepared is key. Lets face it... accidents is a part of life with IBD. We always have a go bag for just such occasions usually with toilet paper, baby wipes, change of undies change of shorts or pants.Give or take a few more items depending on your sex and personal preference. I love cargo pants for just such occasions; I don't have to carry about a back pack everywhere that I go. Simply put the essentials in my side pockets and hope it doesn't soil my pants and just my undies (so yes it's wiser to have a bag, I just like moving light) I just hate it when some observant person notices the change of pants...as a result I may have a few duplicate shorts lol.

I'm simply buzzing with excitement to finally meet other persons from the IBD community. It feels like I am being reunited with my lost family! Can't wait to share the 50 toilets of Great Britain pics up and some of their amazing stories!!! Finally people who truly get me and go through the same shit(pun intended) that i go through!!!